UFC on Versus 2: On The Money

Here are the paydays for UFC Live on Versus 2. If you work at McDonalds, you’re about to be pissed. If you compete in any other professional sport, including bowling, get the popcorn, it’s har har time.

Jon Jones vs. Vladimir Matyushenko: Jon Jones earned $46,000 for winning via TKO with 3:05 remaining in round 1. Vladimir Matyushenko earned $31,000 for enduring 55 secs of pants pissing terror. Have you seen Vladdy’s son? His wife obviously cheated on him with a D&D dungeon master. There’s no way that ape of a man shares his DNA with that future level 20 holy spec paladin.

Yushin Okami vs. Mark Munoz: Yushin Okami earned $46,000 for barely outstriking Munoz, using his counter wrestling to stuff almost every takedown, and taking a split decision victory. Mark Munoz earned $22,000 for failing to try and lay on this giant brown man. Each man dropped the other once with punches, but close only counts in horseshoes and money shots.

John Howard vs. Jake Ellenberger: Jake ellenberger earned $24,000 for winning via doctor stoppage at 2:44 of round 3. John Howard earned $15,000 for getting laid on for nearly 3 rounds. The fight was stopped due to Howards eye blowing up like a cancerous nard, which hindered his vision enough for the doc to say no mas! The good news is, the doc saved us 2 mins 44 secs more of Ellenberger pissing everyone off by using his wrestling to coast to a UD. Suck it Ellenberger…

Takanori Gomi vs. Tyson Griffin: Takanori Gomi earned $80,000 for using his fabulous designer lesbian haircut to mesmerize Griffin just long enough to land the fastball to the chin with exactly 4:00 remaining of round 1. Tyson Griffin earned $30,000 for eating shit. This is the first time Gomi has beaten someone you’ve heard of since early 2008. The win was short lived however, as on the way back to the locker room, some guy you’ve never heard of choked him out.

Paul Kelly vs. Jacob Volkmann: Jacob Volkmann earned $20,000 for reminding us all why we fucking hate pure wrestlers. Paul Kelly earned $17,000 for landing 1 good flying knee… before being once again taken down and laid on. I have nothing interesting to say about this fight except that, I hate wrestlers.

Matthew Riddle vs. DaMarques Johnson: Matthew Riddle earned $24,000 For getting continually blasted on the feet, but being a good enough wrestler to control Damarques, and stop him via TKO with 0:32 remaining of round 2. DaMarques Johnson earned $10,000 for having both a first AND last name that’s spelled counter-intuitively.

James Irvin vs. Igor Pokrajac: Igor Pokrajac earned $12,000 for subbing Irvin with 2:33 remaining of round 1. James Irvin earned $20,000 for what I assume is his last performance in the octagon. Irvin sure as hell LOOKS like a fighter. He even has that awesome NO FEAR emblem that you have on the back window of your ’98 dually pickup tattooed on his ribs. Unfortunately, Pokrajac has no idea what that symbol of trashy Americana means, therefore could not be intimidated by it. In the country where Igor hails from, they kill bears with ball peen hammers and duct tape the nuts to the back window of their ’64 dually pickups while rockin out to Journey’s first album (which they just got last year). That’s why Igor = tougher than Jimmy.

Mike Massenzio vs. Brian Stann: Brian Stann earned $34,000 for slapping a triangle on Massensio, and forcing him to tap with 1:51 remaining of round 3. Mike Massenzio earned $5,000 for looking and fighting like a young Matt Lindland. I saw an interview before this fight where Stann complained about AGAIN being matched with a wrestler, and not being given an opponent who he could bang it out with. After almost 3 full rounds of Massenzio constantly putting Stann on his back, I’m sure Stann came in his shorts just a little bit when Massenzio tapped. Both of these men sport multiple faggy tribal tattoos that say “I’m a tough guy, and I don’t care if I put cliche things on my body that everyone but my dipshit friends make fun of.”

Darren Elkins vs. Charles Oliveira: Charles Oliveira earned $12,000 for ending it with 4:21 remaining of round 1, via armbar. Darren Elkins earned $8000. It starts as a triangle, transitions to an armbar, and ends with Elkins blowing his brains out in the parking lot.

Rob Kimmons vs. Steve Steinbeiss: Rob Kimmons earned $18,000 For getting his doughy body punished hard in rounds 1 and 2, getting 1 big takedown at the end of round 2, and laying on Steinbeiss in round 3 to win a unanimous decision. Steve Steinbeiss earned $6,000 for losing a unanimous decision that I scored a draw, and would have assumed would go to Steinbeiss if there WERE a decision. In between shitting out the twinkies that Kimmons eats instead of cutting weight to make 170, he’ll be shitting blood from the knees Steinbeiss fed him. Steinbeiss’s record now drops to 4-4, and you can wave to him as he boards a plane back to the UK where he can actually win fights against other pasty white dudes who can’t wrestle.

Bonuses:

Each of these fighters took home an extra 40k on top of their fight pay. That’s a fully loaded Hyundai, OR a Ferrari with 3 previous owners and a dead hooker in the trunk.

KO of the Night:
The KO of the Night bonus went to Takanori Gomi. It’s not everyday we get to see someone get blasted so hard that they face-plant, then get up looking like they just shotgunned 20 beers, and be like “WHAT?! WHY DID YOU STOP IT?! WTF?!” Gomi used to be good for that. Let’s hope he gets back on that track.

Sub of the Night:
Sub of the night goes to Charles Oliveira. Such a quick fight that there isn’t much to say. I could always make stuff up… Oliveira tested positive for Skittles after the fight and the win was overturned. When asked to comment on this, Elkins stated “I knew he was taking Skittles, I could taste the rainbow in his sweat.”

Fight of the Night:
The Fight of the Night bonus went to Brian Stann and Mike Massenzio. In my opinion, the most exciting portion of the fight was Stann rolling over onto a prone Massenzio after the tap, and kissing him ever so gently on the cheek. Not as exciting as Forrest Griffin spooning with Bill Mahood after choking him into submission way back when, but Stann is a classier gal.

UFC on Versus 2 pulled an 0.86 cable rating, and drew 8,132 attendees for a live gate of $489,685 according to UFC officials. The total payroll for the event, which took place Aug. 1 at the San Diego Sports Arena in California, was $480,000.