UFC 117: Money Shots

UFC 117 was an emotional roller coaster ride of heart attack endings, pink spandex, and one fat guy with a mullet.

UFC earned $1.56 million live gate via a reported 12,971 attendees at the Oracle Arena as well as an estimated 1 million pay per view buys. Here are the paydays:

Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva: Anderson Silva earned $200,000 for getting f*cking smashed for almost 5 rounds, but catching Chael with a triangle with only 1:50 left in round 5. Chael earned $35,000 for winning… almost. Chael was quoted after the fight as saying “f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! SHIT! f*ck!”. Anderson was quoted as saying something about chael sucking a wheel barrow full of dicks.

Jon Fitch vs. Thiago Alves: Jon Fitch earned $108,000 for attaching himself to Alves like Herpes, and winning a Unanimous Decision. Alves earned $60,000 for 15mins of being forced to snuggle. Alves missed weight AGAIN. When asked why he has such trouble making weight on a regular basis, Alves simply lifted his pant leg and pulled his dong out of his left sock. There were no further questions.

Clay Guida vs. Rafael Dos Anjos: Clay Guida earned $56,000 for looking like an ugly Jesus on meth, and stopping Dos Anjos via Submission with 3:10 left in round 3. Rafael Dos Anjos earned $12,000 for letting Jesus break his jaw. After the fight, Guida went back to his day job of running on a hamster wheel to provide electricity for Chicago.

Matt Hughes vs. Ricardo Almeida: Matt Hughes earned $200,000 for using a modified front choke to sub Almeida with 1:45 left of round 1. Almeida earned $35,000 for getting dropped with the laziest girl punch ever, then getting choked out by a farmer. With 2 big finishes set up by his terrible hands, Hughes now thinks he’s a bomber. That mindset should be entertaining when he faces another real striker.

Roy Nelson vs. Junior Dos Santos: JDS earned $80,000 for winning a unanimous decision against a fat guy. Roy Nelson earned $15,000 for failing to get Junior IN HIS BELLY! JDS had Big Nog in his corner, Nelson had a sack of Taco Bell. I love Roy Nelson. He’s the bane of all fighting logic that’s been drilled into our heads all our lives. Watching guys like Chuck Norris and Van Damme kick peoples asses in movies since we were kids has taught us rippled muscles are where it’s at, not a 263lbs short pale man with a mullet and baby in his tummy.

Dustin Hazelett vs. Rick Story: Rick Story earned $22,000 for putting a schoolyard beating on a nerd, finishing him with strikes at 3:45 left in round 2. Hazelett earned $18,000 for being shown some McLovin by a McBadass. Not the nice kind of lovin where there’s some spooning and butterfly kisses before the humping starts. The type of lovin that can only come from a drunk guy in a dark alley, with a taser and a raging hard-on.

Phil Davis vs. Rodney Wallace: Phil Davis earned $18,000 for being a super (boring), awesome (untelevised) wrestler guy, and winning via unanimous decision. Rodney Wallace earned $6,000 for getting beat up by a guy in pink spandex. Davis came in wearing his signature hot pink spandex, and craving waffles and white women. Wallace was neither a waffle nor a white woman, which confused and angered Davis. Davis took his anger out on all of us by spending 15mins laying on Wallace and submitting us with boredom.

Charlie Brenneman vs. Johny Hendricks: Johny Hendricks earned $40,000 for bouncing Charlies faboulous fluffy afro back and forth in a way I found amusing, finishing him with 4:20 left in round 2 using strikes. Charlie earned $8000 for having a German last name, and calling himself “The Spaniard”. Charlie calls himself “The Spaniard” not because he’s Spanish, but because before every fight, he kills a cocker spaniel with his bare hands, skins it, and glues it’s fluffy coat to his head.

Todd Brown vs. Tim Boetsche: Tim Boetsche earned $32,000 for winning a snoozer of a unanimous decision. Tim Brown earned $6,000. Battle of the chubby white guys with skinny calves. Nothing terribly interesting happens in this fight. The only thing that kept me awake was there being about 30 Ric Flair’s in the audience, and they were doing Ric Flair’s version of the wave. WHOOOOooooooooo!… WHOooooooooooooo!… WHHHooooooooOOOooooOOooo!… WHOOOooooooo!

Stefan Struve vs. Christian Morecraft: Stefan Struve earned $30,000 for knocking Morecraft the f*ck out with 4:38 left in round 2. Christian Morecraft earned $6,000 for spending all of round 1 grinding his saggy titties all over Struve’s face. Struve will use his winnings to fix his jacked lip, and also to buy a pack of gum to get the taste of Christian’s tits out of his mouth.

Dennis Hallman vs. Ben Saunders: Hallman earned $30,000 for getting blasted anytime the fight was standing, but using his wrestling to score a unanimous decision. Saunders earned $12,000 for once again showing a take down defense deficiency. Who knew that Superman had a weakness other than Kryptonite? Apparently he has a gluten allergy as well.

BONUSES:
Each of these fighters took home an extra $40k on top of their normal fight pay. That’ll buy you a night in bed with Pamela Anderson, or 2 years of nights in bed with your current wife.

Fight of the night: Went to Anderson Silva and Chael Sonnen for their epic heartbreaking performance. Heartbreaking for Chael because he was about to take out Goliath and failed with 2 mins to go. Heartbreaking for Anderson because now everyone knows he’s capable of fighting properly in the later rounds, he simply chooses not to.

Knock out of the night: Went to Stefan Struve for yet another ridiculous comeback victory. His lip was busted, he was getting nothing but a smothering and a face full of tit in round 1, yet managed to sucker Morecraft into a slug-fest to begin round 2. Struve won that slug-fest, and Morecraft won a nap.

Submission of the night: Went to both Anderson Silva AND Matt Hughes. Silva got his double bonus for pulling off a triangle that will surely give Chael thoughts of suicide for the remainder of his years. Hughes got his bonus for proving that just because you’re old, and slow, and small for your weight class, and lacking modern tactics, and smell like cow shit, and look like you’re scared out of your mind every time you walk in the cage, it doesn’t mean you can’t land a shitty arm punch and get a few more wins.