Some UFC events don’t have to be stacked and super interesting on paper to be a barn burner. Zuffa will gladly take your PPV dollars even if the main event is a dude with progeria vs. a pissed off kangaroo. Or in this case, Mir vs Cro-Cop. Looking at this on paper, you go… WTF? I’m gonna drop ANOTHER $50 to watch a non-title fight between Mir and… Cro-Cop?? Fortunately, as is usually and weirdly the case, the cards that look like s**t on paper turn out to be the most exciting.
Frank Mir vs. Mirko Cro Cop: Cro-Cop hasn’t been a factor since his PRIDE open weight GP win in 2006. Thanks to the UFC hype machine though, he’s now 15ft tall, and murders elephants with head kicks for fun. This fight was so boring that even Rogan and Goldberg were talking s**t. Thank god Mir landed a lucky knee and put a cherry on top of this turd sundae. Mir wins via turd sundae.
Ryan “Master” Bader vs. Rogerio Nogueira: Bader is a young, strong, purebred American wrestler. Little Nog is a doppelganger and must be destroyed. Bader wins via Unanimous Decision.
Matt Serra vs. Chris Lytle: The first fight between these 2 guys SUuuuuuuuucked. Since then, Lytle has changed up his style and began smashing guys in award winning fashion, and Serra has fooled dummies into thinking he’s a top tier welterweight. Lytle wins the slug-fest to take the Unanimous Decision win.
Evan Dunham vs. Sean Sherk: Sean Sherk may quite possibly have the tiniest T-Rex arms in the history of man. He looks like someone pulled the arms off a baby doll and stuck them on a G.I. Joe doll. I’m shocked he can reach his own d**k to use the bathroom. Evan Dunham beat the dog s**t out of Sherk all 3 rounds, slapped on 2-3 CLOSE submission attempts, and was the aggressor throughout. Sherk simply landed a few short lived takedowns and manipulated the archaic 10pt must system to steal the win via s**tty judge.
Jeremy Stephens vs. Melvin “Little Randleman” Guillard: It’s hard to be a harda** with lisp, but Guillard seems to pull it off nicely. It’s not quite Mike Tyson in it’s severity, but if you were in his face, and you were both talking s**t to each other, you might giggle at how gay he sounded JUST before he broke your jaw. This fight was 14mins 55secs of stick and move and 5 secs of slugging. Guillard being “athletic and explosive” out maneuvered Stephens for a Split Decision win.
Matt Mitrione vs. Joey Beltran: Mitrione is bat s**t crazy. He’s the type of dude you’ll find behind your local grocery store screaming at a dumpster. Thankfully for us though, he’s just lucid enough to be a fun fighter to watch. This fight was like watching 2 Kodiak bears slapping the s**t out of each other in the woods. Mitrione won a well deserved unanimous decision.
Joe Doerksen vs. CB Dollaway: This fight didn’t last long. CB got hold of Doerksen’s neck and pressed his balls against Doerksen’s face like an alien facehugger. Doerksen was forced to tap, because like in the movie, had he opened his mouth to try and breath, CB would have impregnated him. Game over man, game over.
Thiago Tavares vs. Pat Audinwood: First off, everyone in Brazil has either Thiago, Tavares, or Silva as either their first or last name. To top it off, they’re almost all brown, with black hair, and have a jacked build. It makes it really hard to keep track of who is who unless you have the unique Wanderlei ape man look. Secondly, who the F is Pat Audinwood? His nickname is “Awesomely Awesome”. What isn’t awesome is having to fight one of those Brazilian gorillas in your UFC debut. Tavares wins via Sub.
Mark Hunt vs. Sean McCorkle: All us old-school MMA fans love and appreciate Hunt for his PRIDE exploits. The first guy to be able to take a full on unblocked Cro-Cop head kick and just keep coming forward like he’d just been pestered with a nerf bat. Sean McCorkle is some dude none of you have ever heard of, and if you try to pretend you have, Jesus will smite your for being a liar. Unfortunately, Hunt did something else all us old-school MMA fans remember him for. He lost miserably and embarrassingly. The good news is, now you’ve all heard of Sean McCorkle.
