UFC 121: Sad Panda

by Jay Jerome

What do you call a Mexican flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.

“THERE’S NEVER BEEN A MEXICAN HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP”. We’ve all had this line shoved down our throats for the last month, but guess what… Ricco Rodriguez (Former UFC Heavyweight champ) is half Mexican! You didn’t think of that. I did, because I’m smarter than you. Velasquez spent the last few months trolling himself around Spanish speaking TV and radio hyping the fight. I don’t speak Spanish, so I have no idea what they talked about, but I’ll assume it had something to do with how awesome Futbol and Morrissey is (It’s true, Mexicans love Morrissey, the internet told me so). Lesnar did his usual whitey thing up in whiteyland (Otherwise known as Minnesota) which involved training, hunting, and holding down minorities with unfair fiscal policies and racist drug laws.

The event starts as it typically does. Joe and Mike standing in front of the cage talking to us because we’re important. They both do exactly what they do every event. Joe wears the same shirt he does every day, and as Joe talks, Mike stares at Joe’s mouth like he wants to taste it.

Patrick Cote vs. “Filthy” Tom Lawlor: A little birdie told me Tom Lawlors breath smells like Bigfoot’s d**k. That same birdie told me if you can’t wrestle, you can’t fight. Cote proved this anecdote to be true by letting d**kbreath hump him on the floor for 3 rounds.

Ryan Jensen vs. Court McGee: Court McGee is a former drug addict. He’s now a successful martial artist, on TV, and making decent money. This of course means that it’s ok for you kids to do a ton of hard drugs. This guy is proof that you can stop whenever you want, and your parents are liars. Look at Ryan Jensen kids. That guy’s probably never done a drug in his life. He probably eats his veggies, goes to church, and makes his bed every day, and Court beat his a**. I’m just sayin…

Mike Guymon vs. Daniel Roberts: There isn’t much interesting stuff to say about this matchup, so we’ll just talk about the fact that Mike Guymon is a Pokemon. Dana caught him a few months ago and has put a bunch of effort into training him. Dana really wants to be the greatest Pokemon Master ever, but Guymon just isn’t progressing like he should be. After this latest loss, Guymon can probably expect a trip into the woods and a bullet in his head. That’ll show that prick Charizard who’s the boss. Keep mouthing off and not listening b***h. See who goes for the “special walk” to the woods next.

Brendan Schaub vs. Gabriel Gonzaga: Gonzaga is a world class BJJ blackbelt with a Mundials title to prove it. This of course means the best thing for him to do in every UFC fight is to stand up and trade with guys who have professional striking experience. Gonzaga’s corner was telling him to take Schaub down and sub him, as I’m sure they do in every one of his fights, but as usual, he just smiled, nodded, and went back to doing wtf ever he felt like doing. His corner tried one other method to remind him of what he should be doing, but the ref told them post-it notes on his forhead would obstruct his vision. The post-it note went un-posted, and Gonzaga went to another loss.

Tito Ortiz vs. Matt “Greased Up Deaf Guy” Hamill: Fighting a deaf kid is a no win situation. Even if you win, everyone just kinda looks at you like you just drowned a sack of puppies. The good news is, Tito wont have to worry about that because he lost. The puppies are safe guys.

Diego Sanchez vs. Paulo Thiago: Amazing how Brazil is full of dudes who look like roided up cyborgs, yet the baddest motherf****r there is a nerdy lookin skinny dude named Paulo Thiago. Diego Sanchez isn’t scared of him though. He’s too busy being f***ing nuts to be scared of anyone. If you f**k with him, he’ll yes cartwheel his foot right up your a**. Then when he’s done doing that, he’ll probably stalk you and murder your dog. This fight was awesome, and Diego wins it.

Martin Kampmann vs. Jake Shields: Jake Shields has the striking skill of a panda on heroin. Martin Kampmann beat the snot out of Sheilds for 3 rounds, yet got out-pointed with takedowns that Shields did nothing with. Shields does this to everyone, he’s boring, he wins here, and that makes me a sad panda.

Brock Lesnar vs. Cain Velasquez: This fight was basically hyped as a race war. A strong, proud Aztec warrior coming up from a po family of migrant farmers, to try and jimmy the belt away from THE MAN. THE MAN in this case is Brock Lesnar. A very white (Nearly translucent), white man with a d**k sword on his chest. Every time I look at Brock’s terrible dong tat it reminds me of a RPG I was programming when I was 17. The name of it was “Gay Steve’s Quest for the Golden Dildo”. The end game item was a giant golden d**k sword. I never did finish that game, and Gay Steve’s quest remains unfinished, but his journey will forever live on in my mind thanks to the man some call “C**k Chestner”. Cain has (What is by today’s hyper-pussified social standards) a racist tattoo scrawled across his chest. Since he’s not whitey though, we all look at him and go “Awwwwwwe. That’s so strong of him to be proud of his race.”, but I round up a few Jews ONE time and ALLLLLL the sudden I’m the bad guy. I swear I was just getting them together to form a softball team. Cain takes out THE MAN via pinata beating, round 1.