I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is UFC 123 includes some major MMA names such as Machida, Rampage, BJ Penn, and Matt Hughes. The bad news is that this is yet another UFC PPV that does NOT include a title fight. There aren’t even any #1 contender implications involved in any of these matches. THIS is the type of card Zuffa should throw on Spike to get more eyes on their product to prove it’s quality, NOT the lame cards like 122. All that does is make casual fans who don’t drop dollars on PPV’s, and people who stumble onto the event while channel surfing, think that the UFC is s**t. What the UFC is doing now, is like a crack dealer handing out free samples of crack, but all of those free rocks have been soaking in a port-a-potty at a construction zone all week.
I know some people don’t like when you b**ch about promotional procedures, but I’d like MY favorite sport to move in a different direction, one that DOESN’T involve a PPV model. I’d like a UFC or MMA premium channel which I’d gladly pay monthly to subscribe to (Barring a ridiculous price). This would open up the wonders of the UFC to a MUCH larger audience, and would remove the current conundrum of either dropping hundreds of dollars on a busy UFC PPV month, or risk pirating it (which removes your money from the Zuffa coffers entirely). 
Now I myself would NEVER (always) do something so immoral (F**k you Zuffa) and illegal (in Massachusetts, it’s illegal to have a gorilla in the back seat of any car) such as pirating a copyrighted broadcast (pirates are a lot skinnier and blacker than they used to be), so I faithfully donate my hard earned dollars (which I most certainly do NOT earn by giving out handy’s for pocket change behind Shoney’s every Saturday night) by the wheelbarrow to Zuffa for each and every wonderful (Cro-Cop vs. Mir) PPV they offer me, but I understand the argument for pirating.
George Snuffaluffagus vs. Joe Lauzon: I call him Snuffaluffagus, and I have been for a few years now, so if you hear anyone else call him that, let me know and I’ll murder them (I’ve killed spiders for less). Snuffaluffagus is one of my favorite fighters. There’s nothing I love more in a fighter than an active and dynamic grappling game. Snuffy has this in spades. Joe Lauzon is a goofy nerd, and he has a stare that says “Don’t leave me alone with your prepubescent children”. He is however an exciting and dynamic fighter as well. George looks great here as usual, using his dynamic grappling to Sub Joe in R2.
Phil “Waffle and White B**ches” Davis vs. Tim Boetsch: Phil Davis is a true specimen. Know what else he is? f***ing BOOOOOOOOoooooooooring. If the crowd isn’t booing, Phil Davis isn’t in the octagon. He’s really trying to be more exciting, and finish guys, but he’s just SUCH a good wrestler, and just SO terrible at everything else. This is why anyone who has been reading my articles for awhile knows my policy. If all you can do is wrestle, you’re boring, and I wish a Cancerous death upon you. Phil DOES get a Sub win here, but when he can start doing this to fighters who AREN’T cans, I’ll start being impressed.
Paul Kelly vs. T.J. O’Brien: Paul Kelly is English. In English MMA gyms, they must call you a “Fokin Queer” if you try and take guys down, because in England, wrestling is a swear word. They teach 2 things over there. How to box, and how to talk with such a spectacularly fancy accent, that you require subtitles when you speak. Paul Kelly wins via TKO.
Maiquel Falcao vs. Gerald Harris: If I were a fighter, nothing would scare me more than any random Brazillian trained in Muay Thai. I’d rather fight a pissed off silverback. At least the silverback won’t know Jitz. Have you ever seen a fat Brazillian? I seriously don’t know how these guys haven’t ran the table in MMA, and ran off with our women yet. They must be too busy oiling themselves up and frolicking on the beach in Speedos. There’s a little sketchiness in this fight. In case you missed it, at the end of round 1, Falcao has Harris in a fight ending RNC, and the air horn that signifies the round ending goes off with 6 seconds left in the round! Harris wouldn’t have lasted 2 more seconds, never mind the 6 that should have elapsed. Harris must be blowing the horn man. The best part about this ripoff, is that not only does nobody else in the broadcast notice this boo-boo, but Falcao is actually SCOLDED for holding the choke for a second or 2 after the horn. Justice is served though, as Falcao wins a UD.
Karo Parisyan vs. Dennis “Superman” Hallman: Karo says his problems in the past were due to anxiety, Hallman says his past problems were due to allergies affecting his stamina, it’s time to watch excuses collide. Karo came in high on Xanax, Dennis came in snuggling a cat and eating peanuts. Before the fight starts, Godzilla rips the roof off the arena and just starts PEW PEW PEW’ing the audience with his atomic breath. Dennis quickly scurries to find the nearest phone booth. Unfortunately, nobody uses pay phones anymore, and the nearest phone booth is in Mexico. Karo is so high that he thinks Godzilla is his bitchy girlfriend, so he promptly gets to telling her to “STFU BRO! BRO! DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!? I’LL F**K YOU UP BRO!”. Godzilla indeed DOESN’T know who Karo is, so he steps on him. Dennis arrives in Mexico 2 days later, and everyone is long since dead. Not fully grasping the concept of the passage of time (due to his allergies), he doesn’t know this, so he jumps into the first phone booth he sees and begins to undress. His head is found 2 weeks later in the Arizona dessert.
Matt Hughes vs. BJ Penn: How often do you get to see a farmer from Iowa fight a rich kid from Hawyee? 3 times apparently. BJ Penn is an MMA icon. He looks like a little brown Cabbage Patch Kid, and he has more fans than god. Despite having a mediocre record, he’s still thought of as a “Prodigy”. If you put me on a plane, told me the pilot was a “prodigy”, but then promptly followed up by explaining that he’s crashed a third of the planes he’s piloted, we’d have to have a little chat about your frivolous use of hyperbole. Matt Hughes was once the baddest man on the planet. He still probably is, he’s just been eaten by this shivering, frightened old man that now stands before us. We need to cut this pussy open and save the old Matt before he’s fully digested. Hughes used to strut around the ring before the fight as if he just f****ed your mother, wiped his d**k on your curtains, and now wants to hold you down and make you smell his fingers. Now, he just nervously shimmies back and forth like he’s waiting in line for a prostate check. BJ wins via KTFO in R1. Now quick, hold Matt down, I’ll get the knife.
Rampage vs. Machida: I could go for the easy layup, and make some piss drinking jokes, but that would be played out and hacky… Mhm… So… Machida should bottle his piss and market it as “Dragon Juice”… I wish MMA were bigger so we could see a SNL skit on a piss based sports drink commercial… I bet if Machida gave you a golden shower, your forearms would grow 3 sizes, and you could beat the s**t out of Bluto… Rampage is the epitome of a large scary black man, and a cartoon character… If cartoons could have 20 kids, and kill babies with their monster trucks. In conclusion, If drinking his own piss makes Machida so good, imagine what a destroyer he’d be if he ate his own s**t.
