Brock Lesnar: A Lesson in Revisionist History

By E. Spencer Kyte (

Brock Lesnar is the UFC Heavyweight Champion. That fact cannot be disputed.

Apparently, everything else in the Mixed Martial Arts history of the athletic freak of nature is up for reconsideration, depending on what side of the Lesnar Line you land on.

If you’re Team Lesnar, than there is no need to reconstruct the events that have taken place thus far; after all, your guy has a shiny gold belt holding up his pants.

The quick UFC history of the organization’s top heavyweight looks like this to you:

  • Debuted against a former champion with great submission skills and got caught
  • Pulverized a veteran gatekeeper
  • Defeated one of the most respected fighters in the history of the sport to claim heavyweight title
  • Avenged debut loss in dominant fashion to unify titles
  • Got sick, pulled out of UFC 106
  • Still sick, might not fight at UFC 108

Stripped down, that sounds about right.

However, things are quite different if you fall on the other side of the Brock Lesnar Line and quick histories are not enough.

While fans of the impossibly athletic big man like to ignore his professional wrestling past, everyone knows that anyone who came out of the WWE surely abused steroids, HGH, painkillers, booze and small barnyard animals. How people can overlook such things is ridiculous to you.

From there, he made a rookie mistake in his debut, succumbing to a move that a novice in jiu jitsu could escape. You escaped it on your third day of jiu jitsu classes, as well as every other submission attempt sent your way, prompting you to quit and declare yourself the greatest jiu jitsu practitioner in your house.

Then came the Heath Herring fight. Beating Heath Herring means nothing, as he’s a “tomato can” if ever there was one. Sure he’s closing in on 50 professional fights and has been in the ring with some of the best heavyweights the sport has ever seen, but who has he beaten?

Cheick Kongo? The only time a win over Cheick Kongo counts for anything is when your name is Cain Velasquez…

Next up, Dana White and his fellow Lesnar Lovers put the steroid and small animal abusing lack of talent in a title fight AFTER JUST TWO FIGHT! What makes it even worse is that they all but handed the muscle-bound meathead the title by matching him up against an old and decrepit Randy Couture.

Honestly, the guy is like 904-years-old and hasn’t been a good fighter in years. Why not just hand Lesnar the belt?

Then came UFC 100 and a rematch with Mir, where Lesnar simply lay on his opponent in a position that surely merited a stand-up, not that the two should have been fighting each other in the first place, right?

After all, Lesnar has a massive weight advantage over everyone in the division and that has never happened before. Divisions should be 10-15 pounds apart and just because Lesnar can get within the vast limits of the division before bulking back up overnight – ON STEROIDS – it shouldn’t mean he gets to outweight everyone by 30-40 pounds.

What happened next was the worst moment in Mixed Martial Arts history, perhaps the history of the world.

Lesnar shot his mouth off, gave the fans the finger, made a lewd comment about his wife, punched Joe Rogan in the throat and murdered 13 civilians on his way to the locker room. He is an absolute disgrace of a human being and what he did is worse than anything any athlete or common citizen has ever done and he should be barred from the organization and forced to live on a remote island by himself… forever.

Scared to death that Shane Carwin is going to beat him, Lesnar is “sick” and unable to defend his title at UFC 106, so Dana White gave his meal ticket a stay of execution until January. He sure didn’t look sick when he showed up at the Minnesota Vikings game though.

Still petrified from knowing without a shadow of a doubt that Carwin is going to punch a hole in his overblown chest, Lesnar might not even be able to fight at UFC 108. While some people are saying it could be mono, the real reason he can’t fight is two-fold:

  1. He’s scared. Carwin is a beast and has beaten everyone he’s faced with one punch, including a bear he encountered in the Colorado Rockies.
  2. Lesnar needs extra time for his latest cycle of steroids, HGH and radioactive materials to clear his system so he can keep passing drug tests.

Now that he’s not going to be able to fight, the UFC should strip him of the belt, give it to Carwin and make Lesnar admit to all his cheating, apologize for senselessly beating Joe Rogan after UFC 100 and create a brand new division where guys like Lesnar have to fight, so smaller heavyweights have a chance to win titles too.

* * * * * * * *

Randy Couture is not 904-years-old. He’s old, but not that old.

Brock Lesnar has not abused any barnyard animals, killed any ringside civilians and never beat Joe Rogan senseless. He’s never failed any drug tests either…

But that doesn’t matter to the legion of Lesnar Haters out there.

He HAD to have done steroids and HGH and everything else under the sun.

He’s a deplorable human being, unworthy of a place in the UFC and deserves to be slandered, defamed and criticized at every turn, right?

Just make sure that if he ever comes near your glass house, you run as fast as you possibly can…

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