The Dream 16 broadcast started with Trigg and Schiavello wearing Luchador masks in honor of Sakuraba. Being in Japan, the crowd was unphased by this random retardedness. Seeing as at the end of the last K-1 final in Japan, they had a dude in a giant black pig costume bopping around the ring for w/e reason, I’m sure 2 gaijin in Luchador masks doing commentary was entirely vanilla to them.
The event kicks off with a SWEET ass montage which included a guy in a samurai outfit playing rock drums with “Lay Your Hands On Me” by Bon Jovi playing in the background. Since nobody there speaks English, they think this is an awesome song. While playing, the camera jukes around and zooms in so he can make rock faces because he’s a rocker. Aoki and Sakuraba make their way into the shot, and they take turns making us all go …WTF?… The montage is beautiful and absurd in a way that only the Japanese could pull off. I can’t tell if they’re really this weird or if they’re just f***ing with us.
James “Hyper Scrub” Thompson vs. the DEEP “Megaton” Champ Yusuke Kawaguchi: Kawaguchi has a spectacular record of beating up giant fat Asians, and we all know Thompson as the most giant guy you’ll ever meet that most of us could beat up. Thompson must train on the moon, because this pesky earth gravity just screws him up. He looks like he’s trying to punch his way out of a Jell-o prison. Kawaguchi won this by Split Decision.
Mitsuhiro Ishida vs. Akiyo Nishiura: Before the fight, Akiyo called Ishida a “boring” fighter. Ishida responded by taking Akiyo down over and over, and riding him to a boring decision. Well done sir, well done.
Kazuyuki Miyata vs. Lion Takeshi: The intro videos for Miyata are always interesting. They’re rarely footage of his prior fights like they do for other fighters. His are typically videos for gay dudes to beat off to. Lot’s of slow motion shots of his abs and nips with lot’s of posing and flexing. So, after I finished beating off, I got down to watching the fight. In this fight Miyata pulls off what may be the first double suplex ever in MMA. Full on double suplex, across the sky, what does it mean?! It was spectacular, and if you missed it, go kill yourself. Miyata won via Unanimous Decision.
Joachim Hansen vs. Hideo Tokoro: When told he was fighting Hellboy, Tokoro said there was no way he would beat Hansen. Hansen responded by saying “Really? He said that? I love fighting in Japan.” Hansen opened the fight with 2 huge groin shots. This prompted the ring doctor to do the customary thing in Dream when someone takes it hard to the nards. He shook hands with Tokoro’s peter to see if everything was where it should be, and not splattered against a thigh. The fight lasted only a few more minutes before Hellboy finished him with a triangle.
Michihiro “OMG” Omigawa vs. Cole Escovedo: Escovedo walked to the ring in a Hello Kitty T-shirt. Omigawa wasn’t intimidated by this frightening apparel and was able to quickly sub Escovdeo.
Hiroyuki Takaya vs. Chase Beebe: According to Takaya’s intro video, he’s a tough biker guy who chews gum like he doesn’t give a what what, and sits on his hog looking off into the distance as if in deep introspective thought. Chase Beebe is one of the 40 million American males under 5ft 8in named “Chase”. It’s a name that dooms your child to be short and scrappy. Sorta like if you name your kid “Rusty”, he’ll be a skinny ginger who loves Ford’s and hates brown ppl. Takaya wins via TKO.
Satoshi Ishii vs. Ikuhisa “Minowaman” Minowa: Somehow in the last few years, Minowa has gone from being the worst fighter in PRIDE, to being a iconic superhero in Dream. He was literally mopping the floors and cleaning bathrooms at pride in between climbing into the ring and getting his a** beat. Now he’s basically a real life video game character that the Japanese crowds just adore. Further proving my theory that Japanese people only look different because they all have down’s syndrome. Ishii wins via Unanimous Decision.
Shinya Aoki vs. Marcus Aurelio: Aoki looks like the kind of guy you’ll find in the back room of your local comic book store playing D&D. Aurelio looks like the kind of guy you’ll find in bed with your wife when you come home from work early. Any uneducated MMA fan would look at these 2 guys and bet the farm on Maximus, the rest of us know better. Aoki via UD.
Kazushi Sakuraba vs. Jason “Mayhem” Miller: Millers ring entrance was over the top as usual, but Sakuraba has him beat. His entrance started as a weird a** video of him doing a little song and dance which apparently comes from a Japanese cartoon. I’d love to understand the Japanese culture, but I feel I’d need a bunch of shrooms to fully comprehend it all. This fight ends pretty fast. Mayhem becomes only the second man to ever sub Sakuraba, and the first to do so since Sakuraba’s first fight back in 1996 against Kimo Leopoldo.
Gegard Mousasi vs. Tatsuya Mizuno: Mizuno is your typical tomato can Japanese fighter. Gayhard Mousasi is your typical super bada** who likes to fight in Japan because he gets to fight guys like Mizuno for titles. Yes, this was a title fight. For an A fighter like Mousasi, getting a belt for beating a guy like Mizuno must feel like getting a law degree for winning an argument with his wife. Gayhard wins via face melting, round 1.
