With the UFC’s middleweight division being torn to shreds by the skill and power of Anderson “The Spider” Silva, and the worldwide challengers in the weight class seeming to offer little challenge, I decided to explore in this article possible tests that may face Silva in the next couple years. The outcomes are entirely my own predictions and do not reflect the opinion of MMA Ratings or anyone else with a properly functioning brain in any way.
A big ol’ pack of dogs
This is an intriguing matchup. Silva has dynamic striking and is extremely light on his feet. A big ol’ pack of dogs has the advantage of being composed of many individual dogs, all with their own snapping teeth, which will neutralize Silva’s ground game. In the end, however, I see Silva utilizing his superior footwork to pick the pack of dogs apart, finishing the final scrappy rat terrier via rear naked choke in the fourth round.
While at first glance this may seem like a lopsided fight, with Silva facing the entire COBRA organization, once you delve a bit deeper you’ll see that COBRA actually has a chance. While they’ve proven again and again that they cannot hit a damn thing with their…laser M16’s…COBRA does have a technological edge against a lone man dressed in nothing but very tight pants. COBRA would have an opportunity to win if they were able to get their tanks and helicopters into the arena, and accidentally crash on top of Silva. However, in the end though I see COBRA making a series of mental errors, losing control of their satellite that will blot out the sun or some stupid crap, and the fight ending with Silva brutally kneeing COBRA Commander’s mirror face shield at the beginning of the second.
Dr. Daniel Dennett
Noted philosopher Daniel Dennett, author of “Breaking the Spell” the originator of the term “bright” as an alternative to “atheist”. I have to say this is probably the biggest mismatch of the potential matchups being discussed here. Many would postulate that anyone would be a better opponent than a kindly old man, even a baby or duckling. Dennett has a long shot chance if he’s able to engage his opponent in close with dirty philosophizing, staying in the pocket with a strong epistemological clinch. Sadly the good doctor is far more likely to go down to having his head kicked clean off his body into the fifteenth row. A sad end to a distinguished career, but an interesting memento for a lucky fan.
Lindsay Lohan’s Sideboob
No real argument here. Silva would obviously attempt to combat the delectable sideboob, until eventually simply sitting down and gazing at it lovingly, holding his head in his hands tilted at a playful angle. When he failed to stand at the referee’s command the fight would be stopped in the first. TKO win for Lohan Sideboob.
John McCain’s Jowls in a wrestling singlet
Easily the most horrifying of potential challengers to Silva’s UFC belt, McCain’s Jowls would offer the particular challenge of a deceptive, elusive style, which would be further obfuscated by a pre-fight bluster and constant drone of empty promises. This will serve to distract and confuse Silva. However, McCain has what I believe is a fatal flaw in that he must drag a clueless, unhelpful, blathering partner behind him at all times…Sarah Palin will serve to pin him in place, opening McCain’s Jowls up to pinpoint punches and kicks from the heavy-handed Spider. I predict McCain’s Jowls will eventually resort to a series of low blows. These will not affect the outcome, just Jowls’ reputation, which will be sullied forever and embarrass his fans. Silva by KO (Jowlkick).