How do you know when you’ve taken something you like, and turned it into an obsession? Allowed it to so consume you and change who you are, that those around you start to cringe at your behavior? Just like getting fat, you just wake up one day, and say to yourself “OMG… I’m a PoS”. If you haven’t come to that realization yet, allow me to expedite that process for you.
We’re all hardcore MMA fans. We annoy those around us who aren’t. Why? If you don’t know, then you’ve probably spent your whole life being an annoying PoS, and you’re numb to the feelings of those around you. It’s for those people in particular that I’ve decided to make this list. Those fohawk havin, Tapout wearin, tough-guys who think they’re awesome, and everyone else thinks so too. Sorry man, but you’re a PoS, and so am I. Here’s why!
10 signs that you watch too much MMA.
#10. You like to show everyone you watch MMA: Your entire wardrobe consists of t-shirts full of skulls, tribal, and shiny illegible cursive writing. It wouldn’t matter if you had a court date, you’d still be showing up in a T that featured a rhino mouth fucking a samurai.
#9. You troll forums: You somehow find many hours in each day to post on MMA forums. In real life you’re introverted and wouldn’t speak up if you saw your own mother being beaten to death with a shovel, but on your favorite MMA forum, you’re a flaming keyboard warrior. You have opinions, you’re going to shout them at everyone, and you’re quick to tell everyone else where to shove theirs. Sure, you COULD be calm and nice, but where else can you tell another adult male to blow their grandpa, choke on his d**k and die, without consequences? Nowhere, that’s where.
#8. You become a high roller: You make $10/hr stocking s**t at Wal-Mart, but you find room in your budget to spend $100 a month on UFC pay-per-views. Sure, your wife threatened to leave you if you don’t get the water turned back on, but f**k that. No way you’re missing Mir vs. Cro-Cop. The neighbors have a hose, and I’m pretty sure they don’t watch it 24/7. Problem solved.
#7. You start ordering BJJ DVD’s: You really want to learn how to choke people out, but you don’t want to learn it at the place in the strip mall next to Dunkin Donuts. Mostly because you don’t like to wash your balls more than a couple times a week, and you have a feeling that might be an issue. Your solution is to order a BJJ DVD, … And another pizza. Sure, you might learn more effectively from the guy at the strip mall, but nothing beats choking your cat the f**k out with a d’arce in your pajamas.
#6. You lie to your co-workers: You’ve never stepped your fat-a** into a gym of any kind, yet everyone you work with thinks you know some s**t. Since they’re all too ignorant on the subject, and have no idea how to use google, you’ve convinced them all that you’ve won a grappling tourny, or know Muay Thai. In reality, the only submission you know involves an ether rag and a jogger, and you cried the last time you accidentally kicked the dresser.
#5. For the ladies: You used to watch 90210 and Buffy, now you lift weights and strut around like you have a pecker swingin between your legs. When you go to live events, you’re the loudest motherf***er in the stands. You love to yell inane things like “F**K HIM UP!”, And “KILL HIM!” just so everyone around you knows you like violence too. You love having something in common with your guy friends, and now you’re pretty sure you can beat some of them up. You’re pretty much a dude now, a very small, emotional dude.
#4. You fancy yourself a writer: You start writing serious 8 paragraph MMA articles on public forums. Yeah, you’re gonna make it big by impressing all the other forum trolls with your cookie-cutter MMA commentary. Wow, really? You think whether or not Belfort wins depends on “Which Belfort shows up that day?” STFU. Everyone knows the only way to become famous MMA blogger is to s**t on fighters, tell your readers what retards they are, and make lots of d**k jokes. Get on that, retards.
#3. You lie about what a n00b you are: You tell all your friends and forum acquaintances “I was renting UFC tapes back when I was 10. I’ve been a non-stop fan of MMA from day 1.” … STFU. You’re a f***ing liar. Go kill yourself. We’re all sick of hearing you stupid a**holes say this. We all rented the tapes back in the day, but nobody picked it back up until PRIDE and TUF showed up on our TV’s. Now I want you all to say you’re sorry, bow your heads in collective shame, and go back to lying about how many chicks you’ve nailed.
#2. MMA is all you care about: You used to watch boxing. Now you’d need to do an 8-ball, staple your eyelids to your forehead, and get blown by Arianny to stay awake during a boxing match. When you ARE watching MMA, if everyone around you doesn’t STFU, you’re going to murder them with the remote. Instead of playing with LEGOS, and learning to count to 100, your 5yr old is going to BJJ class to learn how to choke a b**ch. Your DVR might as well be sponsored by Tapout, because it is overflowing with MMA. Screw your kids’ Dora recordings and your wife’s stupid a** One Tree Whatever, daddy has to record every show even vaguely having to do with MMA.
*Drum Roll*
#1. You now think you can fight: You’re 5’7″, have man-titties, and have never been in a fight that didn’t end with you bleeding and crying, yet you walk around like you just WISH someone would mean-mug you, so you have an excuse to pull off that awesome flying armbar you keep picturing yourself doing in your head. This is the most common symptom of becoming obsessed with MMA. I know watching anything 1000x can make you feel more confident in trying it yourself, but trust me, you can’t fight. Ever seen 2 pussies fighting on YouTube? Yeah… You look like that when you fight. You’d be out of breath, on an adrenaline dump, and vomiting after 30 seconds. All you can hope for is that the dude you’re trying to fight is ALSO an MMA watching pussy.
